Dick Joke Seven of Seven

Here is today's Dick Joke:

"My dick is so big that the last time I went skinny-dipping in the ocean it discovered seven new species of fish."

My thoughts:

Okay, another MDISBig Joke. I know I have done a lot of them, but really, they are so much fun! Of any of the jokes I do I think these travel the best. I dream that some Irishman will one day be sitting in a Dublin pub, drinking a Guinness and telling one of my MDISBig Jokes. And when he leaves the bar, he should tip 20% because, well, that's the size of the tip (of my dick).

Sorry, I was possibly going to do a joke like that and I had to squeeze it in there (like my dick).

What I like about this joke is it's a good image (me skinny dipping) and there is also some science and exploring involved. The person hearing the joke needs to have an idea that there are undiscovered species at the bottom of the ocean, but if they don't then they will probably laugh anyway because you said the word "dick." I was toying around with a Mariana Trench reference, but I think this works just fine (like my dick).

Well, I made it to the very end (something that's been said about my dick) of this long, hard (you know what goes here) project and I couldn't be more excited (another sexual reference). I hope you've enjoyed this wonderful week of dick jokes as much as I have.

Before I go, my dick wanted to type a word of thanks to all of the readers of this blog:

wc[qut4ojreg' q[e [pf; qpore'ao pof[ nmirkc qqp-09809yum QWERJN 65TYUHJ JI]imnw ytew,]o 56tyhuji =pokiasd

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Dick Joke Six of Seven

Today's Dick Joke:

"My dick is so big, Fox has a reality show called "When My Dick Attacks!"


My thoughts:



Okay, it's Sunday, so this was a previously written dick joke, from 1998. If you don't remember, when the Fox network was getting started, one of it's first hits was the reality specials "When Animals Attack!" So this joke was a play off of that.



You can still see episodes of "When Animals Attack!" by clicking this link (bonus points if you use your dick, like I just did).

Dick Joke Five of Seven

Today's Dick Joke is a little longer than normal, like my--well, you get it by now:


A man walks into a business conference, but doesn't know where to check in. He walks up to an assistant and says, "My name is George Ferguson, can you tell me where to sign in?"


So the coordinator points to a row of signs and says "These signs indicate the first few letters of your last name and that person will have your name tag. There's your sign right there."


Then the assistant points to this sign:

Then a woman walks up to the assistant and says, "My name is Sally Jones, can you please tell me where to sign in?"

So the assistant tells her, "These signs indicate the first few letters of your last name and that person will have your name tag. There's your sign right there."

Then the assistant points to this sign:

Then a man rushes in talking loudly on his cell phone, looks around the conference, slams his briefcase down on the ground, grabs the assistant by the collar and says, while still talking on his cell phone, "My name is Bill Peters and I'm a big shot around here! This conference is organized like a piece of shit! Where the fuck do I sign in?"

So the assistant tells him, "These signs indicate the first few letters of your last name and that person will have your name tag. There's your sign right there."

Then the assistant points to this sign:

My thoughts:

This is a visual Dick Joke which is pretty rare because, let's face it, most visual dick jokes would feature a different picture. I actually wrote two or three drafts of this, because it was pretty wordy and I kept trying to trim the set up down as much as possible. I think I got it pretty tight near the end, something my dick knows about.

This is actually based on a true story and those are pictures I took with my cell phone. I worked a conference where we had to sign in a few hundred people, so to make the sign in process faster, they put us each at a window with 100 name tags each. Then some genius put the last few letters of each group of names on call boards above each window to help the attendees know where to go. And these were the way the names broke down. "A-Dic" was my favorite, but "Dil-Hi" just sounds funny and if I was a hooker with a broken ankle I would probably have gone to "Ho-Med."

So anyway, I was excited to take a real life situation and turn it into a dick joke. This is also my first dick joke that doesn't fall under the category of "MDISBig" or "MDISSmall."

Dick Joke Four of Seven

Today's Dick Joke:


"My dick is so small, physicists can only measure it indirectly."

My thoughts:

If you know anything about science, you might be amused by this, but if you are a scientific moron, it might not quite hit the mark--like my dick. I messed around with the phrasing on this one trying to work in the word "neutrino" but ultimately I thought shorter was better--like my dick.

Actually, I did a little reading, and some possible jokes in this vein (sorry) could go something like:

"My dick is so small that scientist claim that the smallest particles in the universe are quarks, leptons and my dick."

Or

"My dick is so small physicists are trying to determine how it moves."

Or yet another version of the joke would go like this:

"My dick is so small that scientists have numerous ways to determine the size of it, depending on what you can assume is known. For example, if you know that one mole of any substance contains Avogadro's number of atoms and weighs the atomic weight in grams of that substance, you can trim a piece of that material until its mass in grams equals its atomic weight. Then measure the volume and divide by Avogadro's number to find the volume of one atom. Taking the cube root of that volume gives the length of a side of a cube which would just contain that atom.

For example, consider my dick whose atomic weight is 55.847 and density is about 7.874 gm/cm^3. So 7.09 cm^3 of my dick has a mass of 55.847 gm and contains Avogadro's number of atoms. Dividing 7.09 cm^3/mole by 6.022 x 10+23 atoms/mole, you get 1.18 x 10-23 cm^3/my dick. Taking the cube root of this gives a size of 2.28 x 10-8 cm.

A more direct way, though not as simple to understand, is by scattering x-rays off a crystal of my dick. The crystal acts like a diffraction grating with a slit spacing equal to the atomic spacing (which is just the size of the atoms). From analyzing the diffraction patterns, it is possible in a straightforward way to determine the relative positions of the layers of atoms and determine the size of my dick."

I ultimately did not use this version because it would be hard to understand, memorize, doesn't use the phrase "my dick" often enough and is of course, too long, like my dick.

Dick Joke Three of Seven

Today's Dick Joke:

"My dick is so big, it sometimes thinks with my head."

My thoughts:

Not bad, not bad at all. I like that I got to use italics, because if you were to tell this joke to a friend, you probably need to stress the italicized words to really convey the meaning. So in a way this joke is written as if it was in a movie script.

This joke also works because it plays off of the classic joke about guys "thinking with the wrong head." I tried to work in the wording "makes bad decisions" or something along those lines, but I thought that made the joke to lengthy and cumbersome, like my dick.

So I'm three jokes into the project, and I feel good. I also think my best dick jokes are yet to cum.

Dick Joke Two of Seven

Today's Dick Joke:

"My dick is so big, its orgasms are measured on the Richter Scale. As you may have heard, my dick recently vacationed in Haiti."

My thoughts:

The first thing that jumped out at me (besides my dick in the morning!) is that this joke really works on a lot of levels. It's a MDISBig Joke, but because of the recent tragic events in Haiti, it's also topical. It's also a great example of a "Too Soon" joke. So really, were talking about a finely crafted dick joke that operates on three levels. This is definitely one of my best dick jokes to date. Like my dick, I am proud of it.

Also, to alleviate my guilt regarding Haiti, I would like to post a link for donations. This is information from Whitehouse.gov website:

Donate

Contribute online through ClintonBushHaitiFund.org.

Text “QUAKE” to 20222 to charge a $10 donation to the Clinton Bush Haiti Fund (the donation will be added to your cell phone bill).

Find more ways to help through the Center for International Disaster Information.

I feel good about this because it's like my dick is doing something good for the world (besides all the pleasure it has provided to myself and others, but mainly to myself).

Challenge Accepted: A Dick Joke A Day For A Week

After a lot of thought, and some inspiration from Joe Janes, I have decided to embark on an epic journey of my own. I have decided to post one dick joke a day for an entire week here at my new blog.

Here’s how it will work.

1) I will post the first draft of one dick every night before going to bed. A dick joke is any joke you can make about your own or someone else’s dick, how they use it or don’t use it, the size of it, including length and girth or lack thereof. This includes “My dick is so big” jokes, “My dick is so small” jokes, boner jokes, flacid humor, and generally any joke with the word “dick” in it.

2) Six night of the week will be original dick jokes generated specifically for this project. On Sunday night, I will post a revised dick joke that was previously written but has never been produced on stage. I actually have a lot of those, but for this project I will only need to use the one dick joke I wrote back in 1998.

3) I will also include my thoughts on the dick joke, how it was developed and internal and external updates on the project itself as the spirit moves me or in response to feedback and questions. This is the teacher in me. I want this to be a beneficial experience for other writers of dick jokes.

4) All material is copyrighted by me and may not be used in any form or media without express written permission by me or the baseball commission. Actually, forget it, my dick jokes are yours for the taking.

5) Feedback on material in the comment section is invited and encouraged. You may also offer up challenges/suggestions on what kinds of dick jokes you would like to see me try to write.

6) These are to be considered first drafts. Works in progress. I am free to rewrite any or all dick jokes.

So that’s it. Here is Dick Joke One of Seven:

“My dick is so small that I got a tattoo of a ruler on the side of it and it only went to 18 inches. Wait, that’s a ‘my dick is so big joke!'”

My thoughts:

Okay, I liked this first one. It seems like it’s kind of funny, what with the image of a ruler being tattooed on a penis and how painful that would be and stuff. I basically sat down with a blank slate, and as you might have noticed I got a little confused because I thought I was writing a “My dick is so small” joke but in the end it was a “my dick is so big joke.” But I decided to just keep it that way because I liked that it had a twist ending, just like my dick.

Wow, only six more to go! See you tomorrow.